A master observed that a novice was involved in many kinds of service and all kinds of good works.  The master asked the novice, "Why do you do so many good works?"

"Because I am trying to make myself acceptable to God," the novice asked.

The master set a tile before the novice, and began to polish it.

"What are you doing?", the novice asked.

"I am polishing this tile, to make it into a mirror."

"You can't make a tile into a mirror by polishing it!", the novice protested.

"And neither can you make yourself acceptable to God by good works," the master answered.

A scholar wrote an article saying, "The Bible shows evidence of post editing and was heavily influenced by the political climate of the day.  Its interpretation depends highly on one's perspective."

A believer read the article, and said, "This article shows evidence of post editing and was heavily influenced by the political climate of the day.  Its interpretation depends highly on one's perspective."

A man came to a believer and said, "You say that you know God exists.  Prove it to me."

The believer said, "Do you have any matches?"

"Yes."

The believer took a napkin, and soaked it in water.  "You say that you have matches.  Set this napkin on fire."

Someone said to a believer, "If God performed a miracle in front of me, I would believe."

The believer held up a blade of grass.

A novice closed his eyes, folded his hands, and began to say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven..."

A master said, "What are you doing?"

"I am assuming the right posture and saying the right words to pray."

"You can't pray by assuming a posture and saying a specific set of words."

"Then how do you pray?"

The master closed his eyes, folded his hands, and began, "Our Father, who art in Heaven..."

A master saw a novice gulping from a bottle of wine.  "What are you doing?", the master said.

"I had a really rough day.  I need a drink."

The master threw the wine against a wall.  "Never drink wine because you need to."

"Do you drink wine?", the novice asked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I do not need to."

A Catholic and a Protestant were having a debate about faith and works, versus faith which works.  Someone looked on, and said, "Everything is subject to debate.  There is no core of universal Christian faith."

A believer punched him between the eyes.

"What did you do that for?", he asked.

"My fist looked different to your two eyes.  Therefore, I did not hit you."

A novice said to a master, "I want to be a great man.  What is the first thing I should do?"

The master answered, "Forget about being a great man."

A novice asked a master, "How am I to resist temptation?  My strongest efforts of willpower are not enough."

The master asked the novice, "How am I to put out that fire?  All the gasoline I own is not enough."

A novice said to a master, "Which do you value more: the truth, or the ancient Christian way?"

The master grabbed the novice's nose.

"Your response makes no sense," said the novice.

"And neither does your question," answered the master.

A novice said to a master, "I want to be totally devoted to God.  Tell me how I should talk, how I should dress, how I should act."

The master said to the novice, "I want to be spontaneous.  Tell me how I should plan my day."

A novice said to a master, "I am humble."

The master said, "No, you are not humble."

Another novice said, "I am not humble."

The master said, "That's right; you are not humble."

A novice handed a master a check, saying, "Here is some money, so that you will be happy."

The master put the check into the fire: "I wish the fire to be happy as well."

A computer professional said to a master, "I'm tired of wasting my time doing little things for God.  I want to do something big and important."

The master said, "Tell me how to use a computer."

The professional said, "Well, first you turn it on, then y-"

The master interrupted him.  "Don't waste my time talking about turning it on. I only want to know the important stuff."

A novice said to a master, "Where should I go to meet with God?"

The master said, "The radiator vent you are standing on."

A novice said to a master, "Tell me how to find deep, hidden secrets.  I want to know beyond what is given to ordinary people to know."

The master said, "There are piles of diamonds out in the open.  Why do you go lurking in caves, chasing after fool's gold?"

A novice said to a master, "I am sick and tired of the immorality that is all around us.  There is fornication everywhere, drunkenness and drugs in the inner
city, relativism in people's minds, and do you know where the worst of it is?"

The master said, "Inside your heart."

A man went to a cathedral where he had heard many miracles had occurred, visions of Heaven.  "I have come all the way from America, to find God," he
told one of the believers.

"Aah.  God has gone all the way to America, to find you."